SO TIRED OF CRYING

I had started a post about my grandfather earlier this week. It was his 88th birthday on the 23rd of February. I couldn't find the picture I wanted to post so I didn't put it up...Last night he died. This is my mom's dad. She was out there for his birthday and she just got home on Monday. I think he was just waiting for her to be there for his birthday and then he let go. I don't really know what to say. I'm upset over a stupid blog. He use to read it and while my mom was there he sent me and email about how much he enjoyed reading my blogs and seeing pictures. I wanted to honor him on his birthday...now I don't get to. He won't get to see it. I'm not going to lie I am so over this. It's to much. I'm sick of crying... my eyes hurt. He was old and it was his time to go...but I'm still sad and I miss him. I'm tired so tired. I feel like yelling and yet I'm at work and I have a meeting in 30 minutes I need to pull it together. I just don't feel like it! Blah

Wednesday- This week is halfway over!

Things have been a little crazy lately. Transition time is what I'm calling it. In the meantime I find myself getting frustrated at all these little things. When I get something in my mind I can start to over plan and over analyze everything. Today work was nuts as always. At lunch time I went home and opened my Bible and read Psalm 25. This verse jumped out at me.

Psalm 25:4-6

Show me your ways, O Lord;

Teach me Your paths.

Lead me in Your truth and teach me,

For You are the God of my salvation;

On You I wait all the day.

I have all my plans and ideas set in place. I get the wheels turning and they don't stop. It's time for me to stop. Because I don't want to figure out a plan I don't want to make everything happen my way when I want it. Ultimately I want to be on the path God has placed me on. So that is my challenge today. Stop trying to make it happen! Allow the Lord to lead me.....God give me the strength and the patience to let you lead me. Help me survive the rest of this crazy week!!!

The Best V-Day ever!!!

Tyson and I went to NYC this past weekend with our friends Eric and Dana. It was Dana's b-day on the 7th and it was Valentines weekend so it was perfect. I love New York. We had a BLAST. We left on Thursday after work and figured it would take us about 7 hours...Well it would have taken about 7 hours if we wouldn't have gotten off on the wrong exit. That's right we accidentally started heading for Atlantic City... About an hour down the wrong way we stopped at a toll booth and the sweet man collecting the money informed us we were going the wrong way. UGGG that is the worst feeling EVER! But what can you do. We headed back in the correct direction and Tyson busted out the gummy bears and we had a good laugh about it. We didn't arrive at until about 3:30 am. We stayed at our other friend Dana's parent’s house.
It was definitely a busy weekend. We went to see Wicked on Broadway. It was AMAZING!! I had ordered the tickets online and let me put out a word to everyone DO NOT buy tickets from buysellticks.com We ordered 2 tickets from one site and 2 from another. Ticketsnow.com was wonderful they sent the tickets in the mail the next day. The other site buysellticks.com never sent my order to the broker so we didn't get the ones we put in for. Since they didn't put my order through the ones I wanted had doubled in price. To make a REALLY LONG story short we left for NYC with only 2 tickets and 4 of us going. This VERY NICE woman from ticketsnow.com ended up helping me find tickets the day of that were better seats then the ones we initially ordered and we picked them up at this restaurant in town. It was all a little nerve racking and since I was in charge of getting the tickets I was SO HAPPY when it all worked out.

We had a wonderful time walking around Times Square. We went shopping in China Town and got some fabulous deals. :-) And no trip to NYC would be complete without a slice of pizza and it was GOOD.

The Last day we went to see ground zero where the World Trade Center use to be. It's a very humbling place to be. I had been to NYC August of 2000. We spent a long time inside and on top of the Trade Center. Going back and seeing it gone was very strange. Posted on the fences were pictures of the plans for the buildings they are going to build there. They have begun the construction. Even though it will never be the same without the towers, it will be nice to see that place have buildings again. It's an in your face reminder to never forget those who died that day and those who have died fighting for our freedom.

We had a wonderful weekend! I can't say it was relaxing but it was great to take a break from everyday life. Now it's back to work. :-) Hope you all had a wonderful Valentine’s Day.

Finding the Balance- My random thoughts for the week

I feel like I am in a season of learning to balance my life. There are so many things I want to do and so many things I need to do. I am really trying to learn the best way to get everything done. What is me just being too lazy to do something and what do I really not have time to get done. The answer most of the time is I'm lazy. Working 8am-5pm every day can definitely be a drain. There are some days when I get home and I feel like crawling into bed and sleeping through the night. Is this a reason to let the ironing pile up? But here is the thing I am the MASTER at excuses and I don't even try to be. I have a legitimate reason for everything I didn't do that I needed to do. There are 5 loads of laundry piled high...My excuse: well, we don't have a washer/dryer in our apartment...Truth: The laundry room is 5 steps from my front door. The pots in the sink...My excuse: they will be easier to clean after they have soaked...truth: if I would have cleaned them right after dinner they would have gotten crusty. When is "I'm tired" not going to cut it? That is my excuse every day...I get home from work and I know I need to do my workout...go running(since I'm doing a half marathon in a few months)...Make dinner...but I give myself the same excuse every night...I'm tired. When is enough enough? All of my friends who have kids laugh at me when I say I'm tired. They give me that look of "oh just you wait till you have a baby keeping you up all night". Do you want to hear my excuse on that one...I DO HAVE a baby crying all night and it's not mine! It's my neighbor behind me...and this is no infant this kid is like 2 years old. He will scream for hours (I think the longest was 2 hours straight). I'm also on call one week out of the month so I get to respond to calls at three in the morning to go let in a student who got locked out of their apartment...see what I mean I have an excuse for everything and now I'm getting off subject.
This is my frustration I know many other women who have more on their plate then I do. And they seem to have it all together. They work full time and still manage to have a perfectly clean house....dinner on the table every night and are always doing creative projects for others. Now I know that we all struggle with different things. And I'm sure if I named any of the people I'm talking about they would be able to come up with a list of things they want to do better. I'm really not trying to compare myself saying I want to do exactly what they do I am just trying to get motivated to be better. I have always been a very self motivated person. I wanted something and I would work hard to get it. I feel like I got to the point where I did too much/ overcommitted myself so now I'm at the other extreme and it's suddenly hard for me to get myself up and going. This is why I feel like balance is what I need. Finding that medium place of being able to let go of the little things that I did not get done and making sure I keep up with things so I don't get overwhelmed. I get so frustrated with myself when things are not in order but then it's hard to find the time to get it done.
I was reading Proverbs 31 and let me tell you that did not help at first! haha But the more I really thought about it the more peace I had. This woman was not suddenly this all together everything under control woman from birth. I'm sure she had to work at things and figure out her schedule ha ha. She wasn't just the ultimate woman over night. There is hope for me! ha ha
These are my random thoughts this week...I know that I am not alone in this so if you are like me...be encouraged...there is hope for us...where to go from here...time to give it to the Lord....
This is my prayer today. Lord help me to be the best I can be today. Thank you Lord for the challenges that make me unsatisfied with where I am and motivate me to be better in all areas of my life. God give me the peace to know when to let little things go and not overwhelm myself with busyness. Thank you for the challenge in my heart to not be so full of excuses. Thank you for the grace that you so freely give me to keep me going.

Thinking about my dad :-)

At Christmas time my mom found this picture in one of the decoration boxes. I love looking at old pictures and remembering fun memories. I am so thankful I had parents that loved me so much. I am so thankful I had a dad that would play with me when he was home from work. What a wonderful example I had growing up. When I have kids I pray I will have as much patience with them as they did with me.

My dad and I have always been very close. Some people would say "daddy's girl" I don't really like that saying very much. I love my mom the same amount as my dad so I'm just as much a "mom's girl". But I will say that I have had a special relationship with my dad. His love for the Lord and his daily devotion inspire me. I guess it's like we have a spiritual bond. From when I was young we use to sit and talk about all things deep and spiritual. I love hearing his messages from the jail and the lessons God was teaching him that week. My dad always pushed me to be better and to put God first. I have always considered my dad to be one of my closest friends. It was so funny when I told people that I was dating Tyson everyone's first reaction was how's your dad?!? ha ha Knowing how protective my dad was of me. It was a good thing my dad liked him right away. The day Tyson asked my dad for my hand in marriage was a BIG day. haha I don't remember if Tyson was nervous I'll have to ask him that. Anyway...my dad said yes of course and it was sweet because he said saying yes to give me away was so easy because he was giving me to Tyson.

The other day I found an old Amy Grant tape... and I thought about that song I think the tile was Father's Eyes.

"She's got her Father's eyes, her Father's eyes
Eyes that find the good in things, When good is not around.
Eyes that find the source of help, When help just can't be found.
Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain.
Knowin' what you're going through, and feeling it the same."

For years I thought she was talking about her dad. This so described my dad! I would sing this song and I wanted people to see my dad in me. One day someone told me that her Father meant God the Father. At first I was bummed because that meant it couldn’t mean my dad anymore...but then I sang through the song and I realized something. My dad's got the eye's of the Father...that is what I admire so much in him. To sing I want his eyes is so true in my life because my dad's eyes are fixed on Jesus. To have his eyes means to have them set on Christ! Dad- thanks for listening to me chat your ear off for hours and hours. Thank you for loving me all these years so unconditionally and so selflessly. Thank you for seeing me as God sees me...a work in progress. Thank you for your heart to serve others and you daily example to serve God. I am so proud of you and the ministry God has given you...both recognized and unrecognized.